she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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