I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
