Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
