Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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