you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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