Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
