pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The adults are the big ones right?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
