You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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