You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
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look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
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I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?