true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
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I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
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More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight