New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
