I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
