My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize