Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
