i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i think i just lost a toe
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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