this beer tastes like vomit already
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
