At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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