Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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