Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
