walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
