Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
