with your own penis?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
