How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
