and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
