you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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