Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
