i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
