EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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