I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
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Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
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It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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