That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
These 21 Women Share What Sexual Harassment In The Military Is Really Like
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.