a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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