I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
