I only kidnapped one of them. chill
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
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He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
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I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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