nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
