She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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