Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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