Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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