I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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