my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Randomize
