Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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