Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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