Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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