Your face is a jimmy john
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
