No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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