Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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