My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We don't watch enough power rangers
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
