I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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