Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
