I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
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At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
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Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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