I hate all girls vehemently.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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