It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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