i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
