he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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