just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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