getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
