I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
