New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
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I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
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You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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