I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
