Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
from now on my penis is your penis
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
